So then. After entering the painful mentality that is sobriety and realising that this article would not simply be a veneration of Led Zeppelin’s masterpiece, or an in-depth analysis into the mating rituals of the Cashmere goat, I was faced with an inconvenient truth. Unlike Al Gore’s spiel about the annihilation of humanity, my epiphany was actually true. And inconvenient. I’ve never been to Kashmir! But not to worry, amidst all the devastation this truth could have caused on a global scale, I’ve found a solution. Much like Mr. Gore, I’m just going to get a whole bunch of ‘facts’ off Wikipedia and base an entire emotive argument around them, throwing in a cheeky grin or a disconcerting scowl where appropriate for added effect. Brace yourselves!
In reality, the political landscape of Kashmir is horrendous. Baghdad, Israel, Palestine, Tibet: Why is it that some of the most naturally beautiful places this world has to offer are always smeared by the politics of a few insane men? Whilst the Himalayas cut across Kashmir, housing Buddhist and Hindu temples, a man-made and more unsightly incision has been made across the land. Pakistan and India have been in open conflict over Kashmir since a revolt against Indian rule in 1989, and to tackle this; a ‘Line of Control’ was created, dividing the land into sections. The encroachment of China aside, this line of control is about as effective as Gordon Brown’s dietician – bookmakers are actually claiming that there is currently 35% less chance of these half-hearted attempts at diplomacy working than there is of Alan Shearer inexplicably giving birth to a horse on Valentine’s Day.
The BBC has presented some theoretical solutions to the conflict, each one as confusing as the next. As we all know, politicians are a simple breed. I’ve been informed that a majority of the House of Lords reads Hullfire, and that not only is David Cameron a monthly subscriber to the magazine, but he is basing much of the Conservative manifesto upon ideas gleaned from it; so for all you wig-wearing pansy men, I’ll be only too happy to provide a list of alternative methods more suitable to your intellectual palate. Starting now.
Method 1: Execute Kerry Katona. This may be a little unfair on Mrs. Katona, who would be captured, tried and guillotined live on television; however, the benefits of this action far outweigh the barbarity. The execution of any internationally loathed figure cannot help but spread a sense of general well-being across the globe; they did it with Saddam and that cheered everyone up, in what way is Katona any different? Secondly, whilst Iceland’s finest hasn’t really done anything to warrant this extreme and illogical treatment, extreme and illogical treatment grabs headlines – the press coverage of this would be astronomical. Once the execution occurs and the words “You’re Welcome, Kashmir” fade in from the background, Indian and Pakistani soldiers would be too confused wondering what the hell was going on to spend any more time fighting.
Method 2: Send in Bill Clinton as a political-ninja. Let’s face it, the man is a legend. From seducing twenty one year old interns to rescuing hostages from North Korea and the absolutely insane clutches Kim-Jong il, it seems Mr. Clinton is on a roll. His boyish charm and rugged good looks make up one of the free world’s greatest weapons against any adversity. If that fails, we’ll have him kitted out as a ninja. He’ll know what to do.
Method 3: Free Cashmere scarves for all. Admittedly, this one’s lame, but it’ll not only lull Indian and Pakistani diplomats into a sense of comfort that only Cashmere can provide, but it’ll get people talking – which is far more than any of these other ideas put forward have achieved. Nothing breaks down political barriers better than free gifts.
Method 4: Grant Kashmir sovereignty. I thought I’d throw in a ‘joke’ suggestion amongst my other, far more meticulously planned methods; for a people to have their land returned to them, peace thrive and the egotism of growing nations to subside is simply laughable. But wait, it gets funnier. For this method to be effective, people would no longer be murdered or raped as a consequence of their religious beliefs and all that hard work spent building missiles would be wasted. Implausibly hilarious.
There you go. Any one of those is probably worth a go. ‘Travel’ implies the exploration of the world in its entirety. Kashmir’s beauty is almost unsurpassable by any other country on this Earth, but few of us will ever be able to see it, therefore, to ‘sell’ it to you like some discarded travel brochure would be irrelevant. We must accept that tropical climates are as important as political climates, that the geographical landscape of this Earth is dictated by the psychological landscape of its rulers. Unless fundamental, peaceful, changes occur, much of the planet will be inaccessible to the intrepid traveller. An inconvenient truth? You better believe it.
Dom Fogg
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